


Catch my breath

by Phil_Precious_Lester



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Daniel Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: IT WAS ONLY A KISS, It started out as a kiss, M/M, how did it end up like this, im sorry, it wasnt my fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-15 21:30:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11239638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phil_Precious_Lester/pseuds/Phil_Precious_Lester
Summary: Phil goes to the shop and never comes back. Dan has lost the one he loves most with no explanation, not knowing if he will ever be whole again. But the thing that tears him up most, is not knowing whether or not Phil is even alive.





	Catch my breath

The time on Dan's phone kept getting later and later and Dan could feel his chest start to tighten. Phil had been gone for the last four hours but Dan knew that was insane because the shop is only four minutes away from their flat. Dan pretended that one of the cars going by would be Phil in a cab and then he would come up the stairs saying how he met another strange person that licked his arm or something. But Dan couldn't pretend that Phil was here because he wasn't there and Dan couldn't pretend like he was worried because worrying is Phil's thing and he wasn't Phil and Phil wasn't there. Dan knew something had happened he just didn't know what, he knew by the ache in his wrist and the tingle in his skull that something bad had happened to Phil but he wanted to pretend that Phil was almost home. Dan distracted himself from the tightness in his chest by cleaning the same patch of counter space for the last two and a half hours. He pretended like Phil was in the lounge waiting for him and he pretended like he was cleaning one of Phil's messes after he spilled sugar on the counter whilst making coffee. Dan acted as if Phil would come in any moment with his empty mug in hand and be expecting another cup of coffee but that never happened, and Phil never came into the kitchen and Phil didn't come home.

 

 

It had been 48 hours and the shop was still only four minutes away and Dan knew that it didn't take Phil 48 hours to go to the shop because Phil got things done and this was not done. Dan knew he didn't even have to wait this long to file a report because it said so on the website for missing people and that's where Dan was, he was sat on his laptop on a government website for missing people. He didn't know why he was on the website because Phil wasn't missing and he knew that Phil just got held up in traffic and was coming home. Dan didn't know what to do about the growing dull panic that had been nestling in his heart so he just let it go throughout his whole body because he didn't know what else to do. And now it was 4:45 in the morning and Dan was pacing back and forth and he had already taken an extra dosage of his anxiety medicine but it didn't help the growing pit in his stomach and the lump in his throat. He had called Phil's number exactly 78 times and had texted him 198 times in the last 58 hours. And out of those 276 times that Dan tried to talk to Phil, he got 0 replies. And then Dan had been out wandering the streets at 5:00 in the morning in the freezing cold and each inhale burned his lungs and throat. His steps echoed in his head, ringing as if there were ten thousand church bells ringing vigorously behind his skull. He didn't know what it was he was even looking for, was he looking for Phil himself or simply answers as to why Phil hadn't been home fifteen minutes after he had gone to the shop. He began to walk faster, not knowing quite where it was he was going. The walking soon turned into a sprint. Dan ran until his legs had given up from underneath him. He fell onto the pavement. His hands stung from the skin being raw from scraping the ground. He lay there for hours in the bitter cold, being clueless about what to do.

 

He wanted to cry but he simply couldn't, he didn't want to cry because there was nothing to cry about. Everything was fine, everything was perfectly okay. Dan repeated that everything was fine as he called the police department to report a missing person. Dan assured that he was okay as he was lying in his bed hearing the faint sound of the television that he had left on so he could tell himself that Phil was just staying up late finishing a show. And when he woke up the next morning and heard that the television was still on, he assured himself that Phil had just fallen asleep on the couch. It had now been 75 hours since Phil had gone to the shop which was only four minutes away. He would never have gone if Dan didn't ask him to. Dan wanted tea but they didn't have anymore sugar, he asked Phil to run and get some. Phil had offered waiting until the following day so they could go together, but Dan begged him, so Phil had given in. Phil had been gone for 75 hours going to get sugar, and it was because of Dan. Anger coated Dan's anxiety ridden frame. Whether it was anger at himself or at the situation, Dan wasn't sure. Why hadn't he just gone himself, it wasn't Phil who had wanted the goddamned tea. Phil had just wanted to watch a movie and go to sleep. Dan breathed in a shaky shallow breath and then let it out. He ran a hand through his hair and let his arm fall back down to his side. He stood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter.

 

"IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR" Dan screamed as he slammed a glass onto the ground.

 

Hot, stinging tears welled up in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. His throat burned as silent sobs racked his body. His entire body was trembling and his mind was racing thoughts of the worst situation possible. He had no control over this. Phil was missing and Dan didn't know how to cope with it, there was nothing he could do. Dan grabbed a bottle of wine they had been saving in case company came over. The cap popped off fairly easily and Dan drank it straight from the bottle. The dark red liquid ran down his chin and stained his shirt that he hadn't changed in 83 hours. The wine was bitter in his mouth, it slightly stung his chapped lips but it was better than the emptiness that had made a home in his body ever since Phil had left all those hours ago. Dan's thoughts were dizzy and his sight was fuzzy. What he was thinking and what he was seeing didn't correspond with the other they just collided messily.

 

Dan felt relieved to some extent, his eyelids began to feel heavy, as if they were tied down with leaded weights. His mind went blank and his vision was suffocated with blackness. He awoke to blinding sunlight seeping into the kitchen and a banging on the door. He collected what little thoughts he still had and tried to wipe the godawful taste from his mouth. He was lying face down on the kitchen floor in a puddle of blood, the glass that he failed to clean up had sliced into his skin. He shakily stood up and turned on the tap. The water was tinged a light orange as it cascaded from his skin and down the drain. The water stung the cuts slightly but not enough to hurt. The banging on the front door continued and he finally collected his wits.

 

Phil was home, Phil was finally home and he was trying to get in. Dan sprinted down the stairs to the front door and quickly unlatched it, not caring that glass was still in his hands. He swung the door open, his heart beating out of his chest. Except at the door was not Phil, it was two police officers. Dan physically felt his heart sink to the tips of his toes. His stomach tied itself into a knot that could not be untied.

 

"Is this the residence of Daniel Howell?" The older officer asked.

 

She had deep wrinkles carved into her face and dark brown hair that was tied into a tight bun underneath her hat. Her eyes looked emotionless as she asked the question. Dan tried to reply but no words came out so he nodded, dread suffocating every sense in his body.

 

"I'm terribly sorry to inform you but Philip Lester's body has been found. And as his primary emergency contact on his medical forms we need you to identify the body." she spoke gently and carefully.

 

Dan's body stiffened and all of his breath left his body. They were lying to him, Phil wasn't dead, Phil was at the shop.

 

"No, he's not" Dan whispered

 

"LIARS, THE LOT OF YOU ARE FUCKING _LIARS_ " Dan screamed before falling onto his knees.

 

"Liars, you're all just _dirty fucking liars_ " Dan sobbed into his chest.

 

His whole world crashed onto him all at once. Every doubt he had hit him as if they were one million hurricanes. And as Dan walked slowly into the morgue behind a nurse, and entered a cold room that carried a stench of chemicals and trepidation he told himself that this was all just fake. It was all just a big joke, none of it was real, Dan repeated it over and over in his head. And then the nurse pulled back the almost transparent white sheet and revealed the pale skin and black hair that Dan had once loved, and Dan couldn't tell himself that it was fake anymore. He broke, he couldn't bare to kid himself any longer.

 

Dan was now  staring at the dead body of his best friend, the person he had confided in for so many years and relied on completely. Except now that person was no longer there, all that remained was the ghost of once was.

Dan heard the nurse say that the cause of death was unknown and something about investigating further into it, but he couldn't comprehend anything right now. Phil was everything he had ever known, everything that he had ever been.

 

 

"Mr. Howell" The nurse cleared her throat while shaking Dan's shoulder slightly."is this Philip Lester?"

 

Dan broke slightly from the trauma afflicted trans he was in.

 

"yes" Dan whispered in a desolate tone.

 

The nurse gave a slight nod and scrawled something onto a tag before slipping it onto Phil's left ankle.

 

"Would you like a minute alone?" The nurse offered gently.

 

Dan knew that he should have said yes, he was so close to begging them to just leave him alone and let him sob until his lungs gave out and his heart ceased to beat any longer.

 

"No" Dan muttered coldly before abruptly leaving and slamming the door behind him.

 

He walked expressionlessly, he exited the hospital and continued straight out of the parking lot. He didn't know where the hell he was going, he didn't know what to do anymore. Dan walked until the sun sank into the horizon and the black of night asphyxiated the entire sky. He sat down in the street, then he lay down, he stared up at the stars. He used to love looking at the stars, they once gave him hope that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow would be better. But now they didn't give him that same hope, nothing could. He lay there and he cried. He had been utterly alone for the first eighteen years of his life and Phil had changed that. Phil had been the one that helped him stop cutting. He helped him through his panic attacks and when he felt like he didn't have a purpose Phil made him believe that he did. But now, Phil was gone, he was alone and lost just like he had been all those years ago.

 

The funeral was a small service, held in a cemetery with hundreds of others that had broken their families hearts just as much. Dan knew Phil would've hated it. He had always hated funerals in general.

"Dan, have you ever thought about when you die?" Phil questioned, turning to face him on the sofa.

"What? Where the fuck did that come from?" Dan laughed while looking up from his phone. "Well personally, I think being cremated and thrown out into nature to become one with the universe is pretty metal, I guess?" Dan stated, slightly apprehensive.

Phil gave a small nod.

"Hm, that's pretty good Daniel but listen to this shiz." Phil said while nodding and had a fake cheesy look on his face.

" _Okay_ , so if I die first here's your duties to carry out for me" Phil continued enthusiastically

 

"Cremate me and turn me into a pancake box, that way I can hold the contents with which dreams of small children are made" Phil finished and waited for Dan's reply.

 

"Turn you into a _pancake box_?" Dan echoed "What the fuck have you been smoking Phil" Dan laughed, which came out as more of a howl.

 

" _Apparently_ I've been smoking something that gives me great ideas! Don't be so quick to kill the dream!" Phil chuckled

 

"Oh _shut up_ you absolute spoon!" Dan had managed to get out between laughs.

 

Dan had laughed at the time. But now he felt as if he could never laugh again. He felt a black hole that was tearing him up from the inside out. The funeral ended and Dan had been the last one there. Phil's parents and brother were absolutely torn. His mum had been in pieces, an absolute mess. Normally, Dan would immediately go comfort her but he couldn't find it in himself to do it. He couldn't tell anyone that it would be okay or that they would be alright because he knew that it wasn't true. It was going to be a bitch getting over this, that was if he could get over it. Dan sat on the ground beside the tombstone quietly.

 

" _So_ this is it huh?" Dan had breathed, he waited for a response but one never came.

 

"You have no idea how much this hurts me Phil" Dan inhaled shakily and tried to keep himself together.

 

"I _loved you_ Phil, I loved you so goddamned much and you _left me_. You said that you would be right back and you never came back to me." Dan gave up on the front that he put on and cried.

 

"Do you remember when we were moving in and you hid in the wardrobe and then scared me?" Dan laughed slightly

 

"I wish you could just wake me up and we could go watch shitty anime or something. But I know that isn't going to happen." Dan couldn't talk anymore he lay on the grass and sobbed.

 

"Come back to me Phil , _please_ " Dan sobbed, "I'll do anything, please just _come back_   to me Phil"


End file.
